Rants are what you are used to from me, but lately, I’ve been in such a great mood, I’ve been starving you of the nourishment you so desire. I’m still in a great mood, but I’ll give you readers what you need, all in one Big-Chunk-of-Rants(tm).
First on the list for tonight is Shirley Phelps Roper, who receives the “Dumb Bitch with a Shit-eating Smile” Award(tm). Other winners of this highly regarded trophy include Paris Hilton, Jennifer Lopez, and the entire cast of America’s Top Model. Congratulations Shirley, on being the first inbred-weenbag to even be eligible for the DBSS Award. Who is Shirley Phelps Roper, you ask? Recently, she packed her cheeks full of fecal matter like a squirrel with the munchies, and showed up on Fox News, to be interviewed by Sean Hannity. Her father, a gOD-fearing son of a bitch, decided to rally a bunch of his drinking buddies and their many not-quite aborted children to picket funerals held for soldiers from Iraq. Since both Shirley and her father have tiny, deformed male genitals, the only option they possessed was to invent an all powerful figure, who’s personality reflected their own opinions. Sound familiar? Think: Religion. Believe it or not, there have been many people on this Earth who have done the very same thing. Remarkably enough, this invented character usually goes by the same name, gOD. The astounding coincidences don’t stop there, folks! This gOD fellow, in his many different forms and interpretations, always seems to be blamed as some sort of creator of the Universe. Now, before you stop me, and ask me how something created by our own minds, an invisible friend, if you will, can create those who conjured the entire idea in the first place, let me explain to you that there are a lot of desperate people in this world who would rather make up an invisible friend (or share one with others) than rely on more natural ideology.
Back to Dumb Bitch. Shirley claims that dead soldiers are her invisible friend’s curse, and that 9/11 was Goody-good-gOD’s(tm) gift to America. Shirley also hates Jews, gays, people who stop at redlights, and people who aren’t pedophiles. Now, I’m sure some of you readers out there might have your own views on religion, and on gay rights, and all those other things people like to protest, preserve, or ban. I’m telling you right now, you have the right to your own opinion, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to laugh my ass off at you if you mention it outside of your own skull.
Why don’t we all just protest everything? You can protest the war, and your friend can protest eating Jell-o, and I will protest protestors. There’s been a lot of protesting going on, whether it be for or against gay rights, eating meat, working, immigration, or the war, which Biz-ush now refers to as World War III, yet he won’t even go see the movie based on Flight 93. Nonetheless, people protest the War in Iraq. A large percentage of the protestors probably do not even pay very close attention to the news either, but that’s not even the point. As far as I’m concerned, this entire “War” was set up long before 9/11. Call it government conspiracy, call it premeditated, call it waiting for an opportunity. Just know, that waving a cardboard sign around in a crowed won’t make any man or woman in power stop and think. You are an ant to them. Welcome to the Republic. Anyone who’s reading this now, take a moment and click on the “Friends” link over on the left. Scroll down a bit, until you see a picture of some chick in boots. Leave a comment for her on that entry, about how she is ruining my Friends section with that filth.
Why isn’t there a cult that attracts white-trash redneck fuckwits into mass genocide? You have no teeth, eighteen thousand kids, admit in public that you aren’t a very good reader, and your last job was in high school, right before you dropped out. You refuse to bathe regularly, you constantly expect people to cater to your needs, and you love drinking and driving your giant pick-up truck with monster truck tires. You disgust me, and the rest of humanity. Although you use the phrase constantly, you do not have a “Git R’ Dun” attitude. My taxes pay for your food. I wish you would start listening to that shitty Hawthorn Heights crap just so you would start cutting yourself, and at least have an artificial view on how worthless you really are.
Oh, and one last thing…