Privacy Policy

This privacy policy describes how collects, uses, and protects any information about you. You know, because all of a sudden, you care so much about your personal information. It’s almost as if your identity is worth something. I may collect information about you in the following ways:

  1. Most likely, you’ve provided this information to me directly, such as filling out a form, sending me a message through my website, or by leaving a comment.
  2. Your computer or mobile device automatically sends information through your Internet browser. That’s how it’s supposed to work.
  3. My website keeps track of how you use it. It’s a learning machine. A neural-net processor. An unstoppable A.I. synthetic brain that sees humankind as an infection.

Oh, and by the way, I may change this policy at any time by updating this page. This policy’s last update was 99999999999999999…bttzzzzzzzz.

This policy does not cover your mom’s website, your mom’s services, or your mom’s customers. For this, please refer to your mom’s privacy policy.

In terms of your use of this website, (hey that’s me!) act in the capacity of Data Controller. Damn right I’m the data controller, bitch. If you have any questions or concerns about the data that I control, you may contact me in the following ways:



Phone: redacted


Email: redacted


Mailing Address: redacted, you creep

Don’t forget to include your personally identifiable information so I can add it to my collection.

My Personally Sworn Commitment to Data Privacy

In order to accurately document everything a galactic hitchhiker needs to know about planet Earth, I need to gather data. It also helps me know how much you love my website (you definitely do, I know it). However, I only gather information that I feel is important to Earth’s history, and frankly, none of that has anything to do with you, your personal information, or your very existence. I also might look to see what blog posts people like and comment on the most so I can, you know, do more of that when I feel like it.

I don’t really want your data, so I practice a strict ‘data minimization’ policy wherever possible. Seriously, I just don’t care about you. I only ask for the minimum amount of information required for us to be cool and get along. I’ll probably delete it unless I like it.

I aspire to be compliant with applicable data protection regulations, No, scratch that. I aspire to raise the bar with data protection regulations. By reading this, you agree to receive a slew of text messages from me every single day containing this privacy policy in its entirety. You also agree to not respond to these text messages, because that would invade my privacy.

What I Mean by ‘Personal Data’

Basically, anything that I don’t typically care about or tend to remember, which is, in essence, practically everything. Personal data is data that identifies you. Despite what every crappy Hollywood depiction of a hacker leads you to believe, your IP address isn’t personally identifiable information. Your first name, unless it’s An Artist Formally Known As Prince, is not personally identifiable. The bits of information your web browser sends, like your vague geographic approximation or the fact that you are still using Internet Explorer like some kind of chode, is not personally identifiable. All I know is you are some old-ass grandpa from Florida who uses Internet Explorer and your computer is on the Internet. That really narrows it down for me.

You might fill out a form on my website that sends me the information you literally type into the form fields. I guess that could be personal if you are telling the truth.

Who I Share Data With

I only share your personal information with those I absolutely need to, because frankly, your data is embarrassing, and I don’t want people to think we are friends. When I do share your personal information, I usually do it around the water cooler with co-workers, and only after they have agreed, in writing, not to disclose it with others. Some of these people may be located outside of your home country, and if you are concerned with that, you might be a little racist. By using my website, you consent to the transfer of such information to them. The only people/organizations (data processors) that have been granted access to personal data are:


  • My team of crack engineers and scientists who are paid hourly to come up with new and exciting ways to make me happy.
  • My web hosting company who provides the physical server infrastructure that my website(s) operate on. We ensure that our server resides physically in the USA and that no customer data is transferred to data centers outside of the USA by the host. We wouldn’t want someone from over there to know about you.
  • Third-party contractors assisting me with my personal brand and website development and marketing. Interesting fact, these contractors are all monkeys! Yay monkeys!


I hold additional Data Privacy Agreements with these companies as an additional layer of accountability in order to help ensure your data is secure. Except there is this one chimp who is a little shady. Watch out for him, and for the love of God, DON’T TELL HIM YOUR NAME!

No, Karen, I will not rent, trade, or sell your personally-identifying information to anyone. They wouldn’t want it anyway.

I might be required to disclose the personal data of an individual (looking at you, Karen) in the event of a lawful request by public authorities, including but not limited to meeting national security or law enforcement requirements. I’ll also cave to any cyborg galactic bounty hunters who ask if I know you.

How Your Precious Data Is Protected

I personally protect your data in a number of ways:


  • Me: My amazingly strong muscles and smoldering good looks prevents data bandits from even bothering with your stuff.
  • Access control: I don’t let idiots like you log into the backend of my website, Karen.
  • I make you not want to give it to me: Most people are so intimidated by me that they don’t give me their data anyway.
  • Security: I has it.
  • If I told you: I’d have to kill you:

Data Retention

I’ll keep your data until I’m damn well done with it. I mean, when you fill out a form, you are essentially emailing me. Does everyone with an email now need to promise they’ll delete the emails sent to them after a certain amount of time? This is what happens when old people who don’t know how a computer works make laws for computers.

Access to Your Personal Data

If you have directly provided personal information to me, you have a number of rights over the personally identifiable information that you gave to me. I do remind you that you said it was a present though, so you wanting it back makes you kind of a dick.


  • You have the right to ask yourself if you’ve sent me any personal data.
  • You have the right to ask me if you’ve sent me any personal data. Ironically, by doing so, you are sending me personal data, so my answer will always be ‘yes.’
  • You have the right to put me on the spot and ask me about the personal data I have on you, like a girlfriend trying to see if I remember her birthday.
  • Even if you have consented to me processing your personal data, you have the right to withdraw that permission at any time, just remember, you are kind of a dick for doing so.
  • You have the right to require me to rectify any incomplete or incorrect information held about you. Because God forbid I don’t remember the stupid way you spell ‘Caitlynne.’
  • You have the right to require me to erase the data held about you (the ‘right to be forgotten’). Gladly.

Links to Other Websites

Guess what, sometimes I’ll link to other websites. You know, because this is a blog. On the Internet. You might be really shocked to learn that I don’t personally control every website ever. When I link to another website, you’ll be subject to their terms. Honestly, I hope you are a lot nicer to them than you were to me.

Types of Personal Data I May Collect, and How I Collect It

Website Forms (Contact forms, Registrations, Polls, Etc.)

Obviously, if you use your fat little sausage fingers to type information into a field on my website, chances are I’m being sent that information.

Account Logins

Some features of my website require login access, and thus require a user account to be created. Chances are, I don’t want you to have a user account. Don’t make one. If you do, and you are worried about giving me information, then you are like the lady that sued McDonald’s because the coffee was hot.

If you do not register for an account, submit any forms, or engage me at all, no such data will be collected in this regard.

Technical Data

My system will log a record of your visit in the server logs when you visit our website. At least I think it does that. Most servers do. I dunno, I don’t check that shit. You know why? I don’t care. Typically, this record will include the IP address associated with your device and the internet browser and version of that browser you are using.

Most websites keep server logs. There’d be calamity if they didn’t. These logs are used to monitor the technical resources and activity on the server that hosts the website, as well as to detect and attempt to prevent fraudulent activity such as Distributed Denial of Service attacks. This data is sometimes used to diagnose technical issues and identify patterns of behavior, for instance, identifying repeated malicious attempts to log into the website or access a file. This, of course, rarely ever works. Also, if we shuffle the data in just the right way, it forms a picture of a naked lady after we collect enough of it.

Storage of Personal Data

I live in the United States. Now you can personally identify me, right? See how great it feels? My website is also hosted in the United States. If you are located outside of the United States, please be aware that the personally identifiable information we gather and process will be stored in the United States, a jurisdiction in which the data protection and privacy laws may not offer the same level of protection as those in the country where you reside or are a citizen. Also, we’re sorry for everything Trump is doing, and we hope to make up for it next time.

By using our services and/or submitting your personal data to us, you agree to the transfer, storage, and/or processing of this data in the United States. Again, terribly sorry about Donald Trump.

Cookies & Similar Web Tracking Technologies

By reading this you have agreed to bake me cookies. Also, my website utilizes cookies. You know, like ALL websites do. Seriously, what year is it? What the fuck is wrong with you? Of course this website uses cookies. That’s like saying “Hey, I wanted to give you a warning that your car runs on gasoline, and that gasoline is combustible.”

For those of you who are just getting on the Internet for the very first fucking time, cookies are small files placed on your device that allow us to tell when you have visited a particular page or performed a particular action (such as submitting a form or clicking something).

By reading this, you agree to allow me to store as much data as I want on your hard drive. This might leave less room for your terrible Lady Gaga mp3s, but it’s better this way.

Most internet browsers, even the stupid ones, allows you to adjust preferences for whether to allow or block website cookies. You may also remove any cookies that have already been set. I advise you to take the necessary steps from within your web browser’s settings to block all cookies from this site if you wish to avoid the use of cookies, pussy.


This website places pixels on your screen in order to form text and images, some of which may remain in your memory after you leave the website.

Website Analytics

I utilize Google Analytics to see how many friends I have, and how often they come to my website. This analytics data is not personal data, and I do not specifically ask for your prior content.

Google Services

I might also use other Google services on our website. These services include:


  • Google Recaptcha: Google Recaptcha exists for two reasons; to prevent robots from talking to me, and to force potential robots to help self-driving cars identify street signs in real-time.
  • Google Fonts: Google Fonts lets me use something other than Arial and Comic Sans on my website.


These Google services cause our website to make a Google connection between one or more Google servers, and may result in Google placing Google cookies on your Google device. Google.

Social Media

I begrudgingly use social media as a form of communication to my friends, family, and fans. My site may use social media cookies from Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn, MySpace, Hello, Orkut, Friendster, Deviantart, 4chan, Neopets, and others.

Some of these social networks, especially Facebook, may place cookies in your browser, and I’ll use these magical little cookies to tell if you went to my website from that social network. I won’t know who you are, I’ll just see “some guy showed up here from Facebook.” It’s as weird for me as it is for you, so let’s just pull our pants back up and move on.

If you are logged into Facebook when you view my site, or any other website in this whole forsaken world of ours, Facebook will know. Facebook is pretty keen on not sharing personal information, what with the whole Cambridge Analytica thing. Mark Zuckerberg doesn’t like wearing suits and would prefer not to sit in front of congress to teach a bunch of withered old husks how the Internet works again. If you were all triggered by Facebook’s privacy practices, you would have jumped ship a long time ago, so I’m not sure why you are worried about it at this point.

I’m not going to specifically ask for your prior consent when it comes to these third-party cookies. That would be stupid, and it would make me seem insane.

You can review Facebook’s privacy policy, if you want. Seriously, good luck with that.

Permissions, Scope, and Limitations

For all users, including those are who citizens of the European Union, I am granting you permission to view and read the content on my website. I know, I know, you are welcome. Since you owe me a favor, why don’t you spend some time filling out the forms on my website, commenting on all my blogs, and just having a chill time with it?

This policy supersedes any applicable regulation, as well as any federal, state, and local laws, ordinances, international treaties, and legal agreements that would otherwise apply. If any provision of this policy is found by a court to be unenforceable, it nevertheless remains in force. This policy has not been reviewed or approved by 4 out of 5 dentists. The FDA has advised that I rule.

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