Privacy Policy

Basically, anything that I don’t typically care about or tend to remember, which is, in essence, practically everything. Personal data is data that identifies you. Despite what every crappy Hollywood depiction of a hacker leads you to believe, your IP address isn’t personally identifiable information. Your first name, unless it’s An Artist Formally Known As Prince, is not personally identifiable. The bits of information your web browser sends, like your vague geographic approximation or the fact that you are still using Internet Explorer like some kind of chode, is not personally identifiable. All I know is you are some old-ass grandpa from Florida who uses Internet Explorer and your computer is on the Internet. That really narrows it down for me.

You might fill out a form on my website that sends me the information you literally type into the form fields. I guess that could be personal if you are telling the truth.

I only share your personal information with those I absolutely need to, because frankly, your data is embarrassing, and I don’t want people to think we are friends. When I do share your personal information, I usually do it around the water cooler with co-workers, and only after they have agreed, in writing, not to disclose it with others. Some of these people may be located outside of your home country, and if you are concerned with that, you might be a little racist. By using my website, you consent to the transfer of such information to them. The only people/organizations (data processors) that have been granted access to personal data are:

• My team of crack engineers and scientists who are paid hourly to come up with new and exciting ways to make me happy.
• My web hosting company who provides the physical server infrastructure that my website(s) operate on. We ensure that our server resides physically in the USA and that no customer data is transferred to data centers outside of the USA by the host. We wouldn’t want someone from over there to know about you.
• Third-party contractors assisting me with my personal brand and website development and marketing. Interesting fact, these contractors are all monkeys! Yay monkeys!

I hold additional Data Privacy Agreements with these companies as an additional layer of accountability in order to help ensure your data is secure. Except there is this one chimp who is a little shady. Watch out for him, and for the love of God, DON’T TELL HIM YOUR NAME!

No, Karen, I will not rent, trade, or sell your personally-identifying information to anyone. They wouldn’t want it anyway.

I might be required to disclose the personal data of an individual (looking at you, Karen) in the event of a lawful request by public authorities, including but not limited to meeting national security or law enforcement requirements. I’ll also cave to any cyborg galactic bounty hunters who ask if I know you.

I personally protect your data in a number of ways:

• Me: My amazingly strong muscles and smoldering good looks prevents data bandits from even bothering with your stuff.
• Access control: I don’t let idiots like you log into the backend of my website, Karen.
• I make you not want to give it to me: Most people are so intimidated by me that they don’t give me their data anyway.
• Security: I has it.
• If I told you: I’d have to kill you:

I’ll keep your data until I’m damn well done with it. I mean, when you fill out a form, you are essentially emailing me. Does everyone with an email now need to promise they’ll delete the emails sent to them after a certain amount of time? This is what happens when old people who don’t know how a computer works make laws for computers.

If you have directly provided personal information to me, you have a number of rights over the personally identifiable information that you gave to me. I do remind you that you said it was a present though, so you wanting it back makes you kind of a dick.

• You have the right to ask yourself if you’ve sent me any personal data.
• You have the right to ask me if you’ve sent me any personal data. Ironically, by doing so, you are sending me personal data, so my answer will always be ‘yes.’
• You have the right to put me on the spot and ask me about the personal data I have on you, like a girlfriend trying to see if I remember her birthday.
• Even if you have consented to me processing your personal data, you have the right to withdraw that permission at any time, just remember, you are kind of a dick for doing so.
• You have the right to require me to rectify any incomplete or incorrect information held about you. Because God forbid I don’t remember the stupid way you spell ‘Caitlynne.’
• You have the right to require me to erase the data held about you (the ‘right to be forgotten’). Gladly.

Guess what, sometimes I’ll link to other websites. You know, because this is a blog. On the Internet. You might be really shocked to learn that I don’t personally control every website ever. When I link to another website, you’ll be subject to their terms. Honestly, I hope you are a lot nicer to them than you were to me.

Obviously, if you use your fat little sausage fingers to type information into a field on my website, chances are I’m being sent that information.

Some features of my website require login access, and thus require a user account to be created. Chances are, I don’t want you to have a user account. Don’t make one. If you do, and you are worried about giving me information, then you are like the lady that sued McDonald’s because the coffee was hot.

If you do not register for an account, submit any forms, or engage me at all, no such data will be collected in this regard.

My system will log a record of your visit in the server logs when you visit our website. At least I think it does that. Most servers do. I dunno, I don’t check that shit. You know why? I don’t care. Typically, this record will include the IP address associated with your device and the internet browser and version of that browser you are using.

Most websites keep server logs. There’d be calamity if they didn’t. These logs are used to monitor the technical resources and activity on the server that hosts the website, as well as to detect and attempt to prevent fraudulent activity such as Distributed Denial of Service attacks. This data is sometimes used to diagnose technical issues and identify patterns of behavior, for instance, identifying repeated malicious attempts to log into the website or access a file. This, of course, rarely ever works. Also, if we shuffle the data in just the right way, it forms a picture of a naked lady after we collect enough of it.

I live in the United States. Now you can personally identify me, right? See how great it feels? My website is also hosted in the United States. If you are located outside of the United States, please be aware that the personally identifiable information we gather and process will be stored in the United States, a jurisdiction in which the data protection and privacy laws may not offer the same level of protection as those in the country where you reside or are a citizen. Also, we’re sorry for everything Trump is doing, and we hope to make up for it next time.

By using our services and/or submitting your personal data to us, you agree to the transfer, storage, and/or processing of this data in the United States. Again, terribly sorry about Donald Trump.

This website places pixels on your screen in order to form text and images, some of which may remain in your memory after you leave the website.

I utilize Google Analytics to see how many friends I have, and how often they come to my website. This analytics data is not personal data, and I do not specifically ask for your prior content.

I might also use other Google services on our website. These services include:

• Google Recaptcha: Google Recaptcha exists for two reasons; to prevent robots from talking to me, and to force potential robots to help self-driving cars identify street signs in real-time.
• Google Fonts: Google Fonts lets me use something other than Arial and Comic Sans on my website.

These Google services cause our website to make a Google connection between one or more Google servers, and may result in Google placing Google cookies on your Google device. Google.

I begrudgingly use social media as a form of communication to my friends, family, and fans. My site may use social media cookies from Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn, MySpace, Hello, Orkut, Friendster, Deviantart, 4chan, Neopets, and others.

Some of these social networks, especially Facebook, may place cookies in your browser, and I’ll use these magical little cookies to tell if you went to my website from that social network. I won’t know who you are, I’ll just see “some guy showed up here from Facebook.” It’s as weird for me as it is for you, so let’s just pull our pants back up and move on.

If you are logged into Facebook when you view my site, or any other website in this whole forsaken world of ours, Facebook will know. Facebook is pretty keen on not sharing personal information, what with the whole Cambridge Analytica thing. Mark Zuckerberg doesn’t like wearing suits and would prefer not to sit in front of congress to teach a bunch of withered old husks how the Internet works again. If you were all triggered by Facebook’s privacy practices, you would have jumped ship a long time ago, so I’m not sure why you are worried about it at this point.

I’m not going to specifically ask for your prior consent when it comes to these third-party cookies. That would be stupid, and it would make me seem insane.

You can review Facebook’s privacy policy, if you want. Seriously, good luck with that.