Oh Jackie, You are Silly!

Can you believe it everyone? Jack Thompson is still dicking around. His persistence has become somewhat of a trademark for his shenanigans. He’s got an arrogance that the likes of me could appreciate, much like a portly plumber really could appreciate the King of all Koopa’s, despite their paramount rivalries. The man really is like an evil doctor. He is completely worthless without an enemy. He wouldn’t toil with malevolence in the shadows of dank secrecies for an instant if he didn’t have the much more popular, hipper, fanfare-driving heroes to subject his dastardly plans to. I am proud to be one of the millions of heroes that makes the Evil Jack Thompson brood from atop his mighty perch. We feed each other.

In this thrilling, fast-paced sequel, you’ll find the Evil Jack Thompson is up to no good again. This is always little surprise. Less of a surprise is the fact that he has a new trick up his sleeve. We have all seen this before, and it excites the modernists and makes the old-schoolers roll their eyes. It wouldn’t be a sequel without a little plot twist, right? Unfortunately, there are some plot holes as well.

In the beginning, Jack Thompson blamed nearly all adolescent violence over the past half-decade on violent video games. It is uncertain, yet highly probable, that Jackie has impetuously volatile wet dreams involving the notion that World War II was directly related to violent video games. He has strived to ban violent video games, and threatened to disassemble the age rating system in some bizarre attempt to make things better. This, for a headstrong lawyer, yearning for love and popularity, seems pretty typical. I know this as well as anybody; controversy gets attention. This is only how the story begins. It is to the point where I feel I know Jack personally.

As time went by, Jack became irritable and shortsighted. To the gaming community, he is seen as maniacal. Dozens of emails have been recorded, and by valid sources, of conversations held with Jack Thompson about the subjects of violence in video games. Jack, of course, with the true nature of an evil, plotting adversary, held true to his character while responding. The sources were game reviewers, webcomic artists, educated gamers, and all in all, asking in a calm, disquisitive manor, “Why Jack, why?”

Jack would tell them in some round-about way that gamers have no opinions because a gamer’s mind is unable to fathom such prudences.

Recently, the Evil Jack Thompson has unleashed his most diabolical plan to date. This one is sure to stop our heroes, so he says. Jack is offering an incredible sum of money, $10,000, to charity if a game developer can produce and market a certain game for Jack Thompson in 2006. Jack’s dirty money and claim is nothing more than a ransom scheme and a worthless cause for anyone who takes the challenge. A game these days, from what I understand, will cost around $10 to $20 Million. Of course there are exceptions, and low-budget games can do great, and mass-budget games can flop. Then of course, the time it takes to produce a decent game, can be years. Let’s ignore all that, because many of today’s mainstream titles don’t need nearly as much love and care, and I’m pointing at you, generic first person shooter.
The plot that Jack requires for the game is simple, and reminds me much of a wonderful stress relief program I call Postal 2. You begin the game right after a court trial where the killer of your son is sent to “only” life in prison. The killer beat your son to death with a bat. Now you want vengeance. Only the sick twisted mind of a lawyer trying to ban violent video games could come up with such a family oriented plot.
You start out going to a certain named game developer with an arsenal of weapons, but mostly bats. I am not making this up kids, this is what Jack Thompson has requested. You beat the CEO of the game company, until they are dead enough to your liking, and then take out their family and children. The fun doesn’t stop there.
Jack also requests that the main character go into Best Buys, Wal-Marts, Gamestops, and other places that those horrible gamers sometimes go to purchase video games, and lay waste to all whom are inside. Managers and Cashiers are not to be considered exceptions to your angry wraith, as they will sell violent games to youngsters! Holy Cabooses Jack Thompson!
The game goes on, just like that. The more I think about it, the more I think I am going to open up some game editors and scrape out a rough draft. Would anyone like to help? The Unreal Engine should do us just fine…

If you are interested in helping out, drop me an email.

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