Friday’s surgery happened. I can’t really say it was a success because it wasn’t designed to lead to any monochromatic outcome. I did survive though, so there’s that.
Honestly, the surgery part was way easier than I thought. It wasn’t worth getting nervous about. I probably spent a little too much time preparing clues for friends and family so they can find my treasure in case I didn’t wake up. I rolled in, fell asleep, woke up immediately, and told the nurse a lot of butt-related puns. There was no nausea, no sleepiness. I was up and ready to get out of there.
It hasn’t been so smooth since. After finally flushing all the anesthesia out of my system later that night, I realized that having a big-ass-extra-empty-hole-in-your-ass isn’t a natural thing, and your body likes to tell you this by reporting to your brain’s pain receptors. Also, did you know that man-made holes in your body tend to bleed? It’s quite fascinating.
So I’m hopped up on Hydrocodones, which to my surprise, actually turn me into a zombie. I’ve been taking codine since I was a kid – it was my mom’s go-to for when we were having too much fun or her soap opera was on. Codine doesn’t usually touch me anymore if taken for a cough or sore throat. It’s like I’m Bruce Wayne and I’ve been working up a tolerance to it in case some villain decides to shoot me up with it. Hydrocodones, however, are like time travel. Hours go by, and I happily stare at Google Chromecast’s rotating backgrounds until it’s time to go to bed.
Healing is slow too. I was given mixed reviews on the healing properties of the taint, and if you were to ask me, it gets about a 1-star and a comment stating “would not cut into again.”
Today was the first day that it actually started to parody the image of healing, so we’re on the right track, though this is the track where everyone is getting a medal so let’s just take our sweet ass time, right?
As for what the results are – I’m not sure. Frankly if I were my doctor I’d want to hold off on looking at a chunk of my butt under a microscope for as long as I could too.
