The Pain in the Butt – A Fissure Story

I don’t mean to sound butthurt, but for the past year I’ve been trying to get to the bottom of a cheeky little pain in the ass called anal fissures. Yep, that’s what this post is about, so if you don’t want to read about my tuchus you might want to move on.

I’ve had sensitive skin ever since my Great Regression a few years ago (when I was bit by a brown recluse, bringing me down to the likes of a standard mortal human being). Since then, I’ve been prone to dermatitis and other skin reactions. Human skin is an interesting organ, and not all skin is created equal. Because of this, some skin-clad portions of my corporeal vessel are extra sensitive. Namely, my butt. This has only lead to further issues, hence the title of this post.

Anal Fissures, or as I like to call them, Butt Cracks.

Anal fissures are exactly what they sound like; deep tears in your turd cutter. They can be caused by various intestinal conditions, straining while laying rotten Cadbury eggs, and trauma. They can be pretty minor and heal quickly, or they can be insanely painful, annoying, and not heal on their own. Unfortunately, mine are on the crappier side of the scale.

For months, I’ve been seeing a specialist who makes a living looking at peoples’ butts. You’d assume it was a shitty job, but his appointments last about five minutes so if the man were earning some kind of commission, he’ll be spending his off time on his yacht, the S.S. Assman.

Early on, I was in a lot of pain. I handle pain pretty well, so it’s pretty uncommon when something hurts enough to make it impossible to concentrate. I found forums dedicated to anal fissures, where people were claiming to suffer from them for years, referring to the sensation as “suicide pains.” Thankfully, I was able to take a few days off over the summer to stay belly-down and soak in a bathtub for extended periods of time. I did it at the expense of a vacation to Alabama, but ultimately it was the right thing to do.

Generally after that, the pain has been manageable, and mostly non-existent except when stocking the pond with brown trout. For the past couple months, most excremental work has been mostly pain-free. While that is good news, I’m still not healing. I won’t go into detail, but it’s not pretty. That said, if someone is suffering from anal fissures and wants to discuss it personally, don’t hesitate to hit me up.

Despite trying several different treatments (ranging from steroids, antifungals, and antibiotics), my recovery has plateaued. My specialist is stumped, and feels it’s time to really dig in there and see what’s up, so I’m going in for a biopsy on the 16th. This will involve them putting me under and taking a chunk out of my butt.

I’ve never been knocked out before. I’m not exactly looking forward to the experience, and I’m not sure what to expect for the recovery from the biopsy. I might heal up pretty quick, or it might take me a week. Most troubling of all, a biopsy doesn’t fix anything, it just helps determine how to fix things. It’s possible I may need one more procedure to get the job done. I guess we’ll see.

This year has been a shitty year, and despite working hard to grow and evolve, these fissures have made it difficult. It’s been difficult to want to go out and do things, hard to concentrate, and frustrating. Here’s to getting to the bottom of this problem and putting it behind me.



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