The Force Awakens Trailer #2

In literally the ONLY thing to happen this week in American news, the new teaser for Star Wars: The Force Awakens hit the Internet. If you aren’t excited, what the hell is wrong with you? No, seriously, get that checked out. You are probably terminal. Let’s take a look at the trailer, shall we?

Alright, I assume you watched it 11 times, and studied each and every frame carefully.

If not, let me note a few key points.

It's probably just Tatooine

Oh my! A desert world! Could this be? Will a portion of this movie take place on Rafa V, a planet that was once populated by an ancient race known as the Sharu? The planet is best known for being covered with gigantic plastic ruins and exotic trees that grew crystalline fruit that could extend a person’s life if worn. Maybe in this canon our old heroes will get a chance at immortality, forever immortalizing them into the Star Wars Universe?

If it’s not Rafa V, maybe it’s Filve, and that wreckage is the Judicator, an Imperial Star Destroyer that attacked the planet 9 years after the Battle of Yavin in episode 6. That would tie in Han Solo and Leia who were both involved.

Perhaps it’s the planet Corbos, an ancient planet rich in history. Corbos was significant almost 7 thousand years before the movies took place, because a century-long battle between the Jedi Order and the Dark Jedi was ended there (and then).

Or maybe it’s… aw shit. Who am I kidding? It’s probably just Tatooine.

UPDATE: It turns out it’s Jakku, a new planet being introduced in Episode 7.

Luke has some trouble getting over the past

Oh Luke Skywalker, it’s so good to hear your voice again! Luke’s that lovable farm boy from Tatooine who grew into the hero of the rebellion and the trigger of quite a few prophecies. He rebuilt the Jedi Order after the whole bit in the movies. I also hear he can bulls-eye a womp rat in his T-16 skyhopper.

The Force is strong in your family? Yes indeed, but what was that? Your father has it? As in, he still possesses the Force? But… Darth Vader died throwing the Emperor down a pit. Surely that was a slip of the tongue. Maybe poor Luke hasn’t come to terms with reality yet? Maybe this is the start of his descent into becoming a Sith. I wonder if we’ll get to see his future wife, Mara Jade?

Oh wait, no, it’s probably referring to his father being a Force Ghost, which is the single greatest atrocity to happen in the re-release of Return of the Jedi. Will Hayden Christensen EVER go away?

I hear they still let a midget drive around inside R2-D2

Artoo also probably has it (the Force). If that little astromech doesn’t have the Force, he at least has just about any mechanical tool that can help him through a snag in the plot. Still, nothing but love for the little trash can.

Carrie Fisher is still a hottie

A few decades ago, Luke was saying “my sister has it” a little too often, but he wasn’t referring to the Force.

Did anyone get excited about the idea of a gold bikini-clad Carrie Fisher fighting bad guys with a lightsaber? After all these years, I don’t think that is a good idea… I think that’s a GREAT idea.

Do a barrel roll, Porkins!

Jet Porkins has been hitting the gym and doing Nutrisystem and he’s back!

All joking aside, it’s awesome to see X-wings cruising around in atmospheric conditions. On the other hand, something about this bothers me. X-wings are impressive ships. They were extremely fast, well armed, extremely easy to fly, but these X-wings are missing one thing. There are no astromech droids! Come on Disney! You mean to tell me that these are T-65D-A1 model X-Wings? Those were quickly discontinued because instead of astromech slots, they had an onboard computer that were all sabotaged to explode by Kueller, one of Luke Skywalker’s students!

Let’s just go back to Jet Porkins.

It's not a trailer without an explosion!

Mulan with a rocket launcher is accompanied by Star Wars’ third black guy and Spalding the Soccerbot.

It turns out farting in storm trooper armor isn't as funny as I thought it would be!

It’s nice to see the storm troopers finally got nipple safety hooks.


If that flying storm trooper doesn’t emit a Wilhelm scream, I am going to promptly stand up and exit the theater without saying a word.

You don't like Star Wars? Are you some kind of idiot?

That’s the look you are making if you don’t get most of the references I’m making.

Han Solo gets all the bitches

Han Solo! If he’s home, he must be on Corellia, yet another planet entrenched in rich history in the Star Wars Universe. You may notice Solo is a little… aged. However, Chewbacca looks as spry and well-groomed as ever. You might not know this, but the average lifespan of a Wookie is 400 standard years, so that ol’ furball is going to long outlive his smuggle-buddy. Did I just ruin the moment? I think I ruined the moment.



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