My Spoiler-Free Review of Avengers: Endgame

In a world where the only three perfect movies are Short Circuit 1, Short Circuit 2, and Alita: Battle Angel, Avengers: Endgame bursts in like a high-profile booty call that you waited 11 years for. And although we spent the last decade talking about how great it’s going to be and how satisfied all parties involved would be when we actually stop the marketing and the foreplay and get to the rich creamy climatic center of what our friends are telling us has “gone on far too long,” and “wait is this still happening? This isn’t normal, you are probably doing psychological damage to yourself,” unlike an 11-year booty call Avengers: Endgame actually mostly kept up its side of the bargain and didn’t spend the entire time checking its phone or being a DC property.

No, I’ve really enjoyed the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and even the lesser films in the series have generally been pretty good, despite Natalie Portman being in them.

It was a nice way for Disney to say, “Hey, thanks for giving us billions of dollars so we could afford to own everything you love and cherish, here’s a bunch of stuff you love and cherish rolling around in the dirt. Clap at it, piggies, clap at it hard!”

I know my post title claims that this is a spoiler-free review but you all know that I can’t go a few minutes without trolling those who have a low enough self-esteem to actually read my content, so it would be out of character for me not to offer at least one spoiler, so here it goes.

Each Avengers film delivers a quick look into the food that super heroes eat. The first Avengers gave us shawarma. Age of Ultron had a shot of some real hard stuff that Thor claimed, in the world’s deepest retcon nod to a future movie, was aged one thousand years in barrels built from the wreck of Brunhilde’s fleet. Captain America: Civil War was an Avengers movie disguised as a Captain America movie, and showed us a magical robot making chicken paprikash to try to get in Elizabeth Olsen’s pants. Avengers: Infinity War gave us a very straightforward recipe for dusted Spider-Man that you can make with ingredients in your pantry, provided that you have the infinity stones and the power to wield them.

Avengers: Endgame follows this tradition by giving us hot dogs with mayonnaise.

Oh, spoiler alert, by the way.



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