Elon Musk is the World's Most Divorced Man

If you asked me 15 years ago what I thought about Elon Musk, I probably would have mentioned how exciting it is to start seeing electric cars on the roads, or how maybe there is hope that we'll see a human on Mars in our lifetime. For me, and I assume many others, it's easy to get excited about the steady march of progress, and to look up to the individuals out there seemingly accelerating it just for the love of the game.

But today, Elon Musk is a lot more complex than that and the world is hopefully changing to allow for much less tolerance for people like Musk. He's not quite the Tony Stark or Willy Wonka that the typical American wants him to be, and I think this is really important to understand as we continue to allow him to do what he wants with his ungodly amount of money.

The Curated Mythos of Elon Musk

Elon is often portrayed as the eccentric billionaire genius who "says it like it is" while aggressively diving into new industries and innovating. He's infamously quirky, bumblingly confident, and is currently the richest man ever to live. His resume consists of some pretty big households names, from PayPal, Twitter/X, and Tesla.

Beyond that, he's also got his own rocket company, a tunnel-boring company, an AI company, and a neurotechnology company. I'd say it's pretty normal to look at the scope of everything Elon has his hands in and to consider it impressive; or if anything, it might get you to start to question just how critical a CEO is for the operations of major tech companies if one can be spread across half a dozen.

Born in Pretoria, South Africa on June 28, 1971, Elon Reeve Musk was the eldest of three kids (and eventually four other paternal half-siblings). His father, Errol Musk, was a wealthy engineer and city council member. Errol acquired rights to the output of three Zambian emerald mines in 1986, which should give you a pretty good idea of the kind of wealth the Musk family was throwing around. Elon's mother and Scorpius from Farscape Look-Alike Contest Champion, Maye Musk, is a model and dietitian.

A Rough Upbringing

Throughout his childhood, Elon was allegedly bullied often. In one instance, he was beaten by other children until his face was swollen and unrecognizable, and in another he was hospitalized after being thrown down concrete steps. Elon tended to be a shy, quiet child who found refuge in books.

His parents divorced in 1979, and Elon chose to live with his father, a decision he has said to regret. Maye accused Errol of being abusive and violent, and there are allegations of Errol Musk sexually abusing at least one of his own daughters. In 2018, Errol also reportedly fathered a child with his adult step-daughter. You can kind of see where I'm going here. Like some of the world's most infamous bastards, Elon's origin story stars at least one problematic parent.

Early Career

In 1989, to dodge mandatory military service, Elon moved to Canada and eventually found his way into the United States. He eventually graduated from the University of Pennsylvania with a Bachelor of Arts in physics and a Bachelor of Science in economics.

After that, he beelined it to Silicon Valley. There he held a few internships and eventually co-founded Zip2, an early Internet city guide. To impress investors, Elon built a large plastic structure around the otherwise normal computer hosting the website to give the impression that Zip2 was powered by a supercomputer.

There has been a lot of speculation of whether or not Elon had help from his wealthy family. Ultimately, Elon has admitted that he had a bunch of that sweet, sweet emerald mine money to give him the liquid safety net he needed to maneuver around Silicon Valley.

Since that 2014 interview, the Musk family has been pretty adamant about denying the Emerald Mines with different variations of the story. Snopes does a pretty good job breaking this down.

This small detail of Musk's origin story is inconsequential in the long run - nearly all billionaires start out with a certain level of affluence. It's the inconsistency and revision of the historical narrative that is more concerning to me.

Musk's Claims to Fame

X.com and PayPal

After Zip2 was acquired in 1999, Musk received $22 million for his share, and then he cofound X.com as a money-transfer service. This is where we start to see his obsession with the letter X. X.com went through a merger with an online bank that had recently launched it's own money-transfer service called PayPal. This merge connects Musk with Peter Thiel, who is grimy enough to get his own essay down the road.

Eventually PayPal became its own thing, got bought by eBay, and left Musk with $175.8 million dollars for being a shareholder. Musk was fired for poor management and leadership practices, for wanting to swap the underlying technology behind the platform from Unix to Windows, and for continuously trying to make X.com the official name of PayPal. It sounds like he was basically forced out of the company because he wasn't valuable to the company and nobody liked him.

I feel this is important because often people credit Musk for co-founding PayPal, but that simply wasn't the case. He played the role of CEO for a short time until the board replaced him with Thiel; ultimately Elon was just a shareholder and a guy obsessed with the letter X.

SpaceX

In 2001, Musk took $100 million of his fortune and founded SpaceX because he struggled to purchase intercontinental ballistic missiles from two separate Russian companies. SpaceX's original goal was to produce affordable rockets.

Why did a young silicon valley millionaire want to buy used rockets from Russia? Because he wanted to send some mice to Mars.

As of writing this, the private rocket company has launched over 600 rockets since it's first launch in 2008, and while the common consensus is that SpaceX rockets tend to explode often, there have only been two mission failures during launch, one failure before launch, and a partial failure. This makes their work significantly sloppier than NASA, but about on par with Rocket Lab, another Aerospace startup. SpaceX's big contribution is reusable rockets, which significantly bring down the costs of getting payloads into orbit. They aren't the only business in town with a successful reusable rocket, and more startups are coming to the table, but SpaceX did get there first and has had a lot of launches. From a distance, this seems like a pretty positive company with some pretty impressive wins.

Primarily, SpaceX launches have been delivering Starlink satellites into space - the company has a monopoly on high speed satellite-based Internet with nearly 7,000 nodes in orbit. They've also delivered cargo and crew to the International Space Station. It's pretty impressive.

However, SpaceX doesn't have a perfectly clean slate, and this goes back to how Elon seemingly runs everything contrary to what he says.

Elon often positions himself as a genius trying to push humanity forward, but his managerial habits tend to be bad for his workers while leaving a trail of garbage everywhere he goes.

SpaceX, for example, has received multiple lawsuits for discharging wastewater into the environment without permits, and environmentalists are concerned about the environmental impact regarding pollution, in particular to sensitive marine ecosystems. SpaceX had to settle a lawsuit in 2024 for storing construction equipment and trash on a plot of land near the U.S.-Mexico bordered bought in protest by Cards Against Humanity.

Why can't the richest man on the planet keep his shit in order, and why can't he dedicate some of his company's efforts into ensuring that they aren't salting the earth as they fire modems into space?

It wouldn't happen to be that Elon actually doesn't give a crap about doing the right thing, but instead just wants his name on as much plastic as possible?

Tesla

Tesla Motors (now Tesla Incorporated) was founded by Martin Eberhard and Marc Tarpenning in 2003. Elon didn't enter the picture until a year later when he became the company's chairman while providing funding for the company in 2004. Elon often claims to be a co-founder, but Eberhard and Tarpenning weren't associated with Musk until he handed them $6.45 million in 2004.

In 2009, Eberhard sued Elon, who by then was the CEO of Tesla, for orchestrating Eberhard's ouster in 2007 and for attempting to "rewrite history" to take credit for building the company that Eberhard and Tarpenning created together.

Wired has a detailed write up on this. Things are messy between Elon and Eberhard.

In short, Elon bypassed the proper board and search committee channels to replace Eberhard as CEO, and forced him to resign while attempting to erase his legacy. Musk revoked Eberhard's agreed-upon severance pay after Eberhard posted a blog post expressing concern for terminated Tesla employees, and didn't allow Eberhard to own the first production car despite an agreement. To add icing to the cake, the replacement car was "totaled" in an endurance test before it was given to Eberhard.

The settlement ended with Musk being able to call himself a founder of Tesla after being a conniving dick to one of the original founders.

Sounds pretty catty to me, and having watched Elon over the last several years, this type of behavior absolutely checks out.

Today, Tesla is a much bigger monster, and their cars are only a part of what they do. Elon has promised that his Tesla factories will produce robots. We'll dive into that a little later down the page. The big highlight about Tesla is just how enshittified their products are, right out the gate.

Elon's Car-as-a-Service

Let's say you buy a $100 Kindle from Amazon, and buy a bunch of ebooks off of Amazon. You can pull those books up on your Kindle and read them, you can use the Kindle app on your phone or computer. You aren't actually given the books, or even the digital files of the books - you are licensed access to Amazon's proprietary file. At any time, Amazon can decide to revoke that file from you, and you'll lose access to the book you purchased.

That's the nature of the world today - the biggest multimedia platforms in the world all want you to be in their little ecosystem. Digital music, movies, video games, and books all fall under this. It sucks. It absolutely sucks.

Elon decided $40,000 vehicles should also be polluted like this.

Certain features, including significant upgrades are just licensed software updates that are tied to the user.

For example, there is a $2000 software upgrade for the Model 3 and Model Y that grants the car increased acceleration. If you purchase this for your car, it's tied to your Tesla account. If you sell the car, the next buyer isn't granted this upgrade.

Granted, you are probably kind of an idiot with money to burn if you spend $2k on Car DLC that shaves half a second off your 0-60 acceleration, but at this point it's kind of obvious that Tesla is the kind of company that is targeting idiots with money to burn.

The Cybertruck

What can I say about the Cybertruck that hasn't already been said? Owning a cybertruck makes you a cringy meme. There has never been a vehicle on the road that shouts "botched penile enlargement surgery" or "I just don't pay child support so I can afford this" than Tesla's stupid dumpster-shaped car.

The Cybertruck was a failure in concept. People who own them constantly get made fun of by complete strangers. It's the fedora cap of the highway.

On top of that, the Cybertruck was released after Musk's big public double Nazi salute when he rented the government and... well I'm getting ahead of myself. The point I'm getting to is do not trust any bumper stickers on a Cybertruck that say "I bought this before I realized Elon was an insane Nazi" because that can't possibly be true.

SolarCity and Tesla Energy

SolarCity was the point where I started paying attention to Musk, personally. Founded by his cousins and funded by Elon, SolarCity became one of the largest providers of solar power hardware in the US. One of the promises was that, through SolarCity, the United States could eventually produce 100% of its electricity via solar through open-source solar "factories." A massive facility was built in Buffalo, NY to construct solar panels and other hardware. Everything seemed to be on the up-and-up until Musk's Tesla acquired SolarCity in 2016. Multiple shareholder groups filed a lawsuit against Musk and Tesla's directors, claiming that the purchase was done solely to benefit Musk at the expense of the other shareholders.

As of 2025, Solar accounts for just 8.5% of the electricity in the United States, and there have been recent significant cuts to renewable energy incentives including the 30% federal residential solar tax credit and commercial clean energy credits. Spoiler alert for later, but Musk would play a major role in U.S. politics leading up to our current situation.

In short, it's not about saving the environment or bringing clean energy to the masses, it's about inflating Musk's ego and his wallet.

Neuralink

I probably won't have time to dive into Neuralink, but the company has killed around 1,500 animals including over a dozen monkeys while experimenting with brain chips. In complex, new-territory science, sometimes you need to crack a few eggs to get things to work, but the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine has alleged that Neuralink violated the Animal Welfare act, with multiple employees coming out stating that pressure from Musk led to botched experiments and unnecessary animal deaths. Unfortunately, the federal probe launched to look into these violations was defunded by Musk when he rented his way into the government for a few months in 2025.

One of the monkeys died because the chip became detached within its skull.

There is a lot of good a company like Neuralink could bring to humanity, but this really seems like another side hustle designed to elevate Musk's credentials. I would like to be proven wrong, but at the same time, I don't think I want the guy who turned Twitter into a fascist clubhouse (spoiler, oops) putting a CPU in my head.

As of April, 2026, Neuralink has installed brain chips in over 20 individuals. This includes a quadriplegic man who received the chip and, like the dead monkey in the trials, had it slip from its position inside his skull. He survived, but it sounds like we've got a ways to go before medical science establishes solid practices for these types of procedures.

There seem to be a number of small wins and success stories, as Neuralink has been performing clinical work on individuals with ALS, but Neuralink's ultimate mission appears to be more about linking the human mind with AI or using the brain as a video game controller as opposed to solving specific problems. In 2019, Musk said the long-term goal of Neuralink was "merging with AI," adding "I was trying to figure out how to mitigate the risk of digital superintelligence." Source: Stat

This is coming from the guy who made an AI that exists to show him anime tits and compliment him (again, spoiler alert).

The Boring Company

Musk decided he would start a tunnel construction company to relieve above-ground congestion. Unfortunately, the one-way, bumpy underground tunnel with a 40 mile-per-hour speed limit ended up being a far cry from what Musk promised. At this point I think Musk has some sort of CEO-First-to-Market Syndrome. In reality, this is a response to Musk's odd battle against high-speed rail. High-speed rail is one of those accessible, revolutionary types of infrastructure that would be a big benefit to everyday life, but for some reason certain pockets of idiots and grifters poo-poo the concept, despite other countries proving how beneficial it is. I'd be interested to see a Venn diagram of people who claim data centers bring jobs to a community verses people who would die on a hill to stop high-speed rail, but I think all I just did was describe a circle.

The point is, Elon's Boring Company did a bad job, and couldn't provide what they set out to do, and we still don't have rapid mass transport like other nations do.

Twitter

Remember Twitter? It was really neat.

It wasn't a perfect social network; it had it's problems.

In the early days, Twitter wasn't really a website, it was an API. Before you give up on this entirely, let me explain what Twitter was in plain, simple terms:

Twitter was a platform that made mass communication extremely simple and elegant. In the early days, it didn't require a website, an app, or any dedicated client. You could post tweets and see tweets a number of different ways depending on the technology you had at hand. If you only had SMS, you could fire off a text message to post to Twitter.

It was a communications platform that was born out of flexibility. It was one of the most useful communication platforms on the modern Internet.

It did have problems: It was massive, popular, and hard to regulate. It was expensive, and features had to be cut and money-making methods needed to be established. This lead to some of that famous enshittification, but all-in-all, Twitter always sort of pulled through. It was still worth using despite falling from grace.

And then Elon showed up.

In a weird stunt, Elon pitched to buy Twitter, then pulled out saying he was joking, and then had to make good on his word. He took over Twitter and turned the platform to absolute shit within weeks.

In a strange attempt to monetize the platform, he made verification a subscription. Verification was once something you would get granted to you if you were a big enough account or a popular public figure, but Musk put it behind a subscription. This quickly devalued the blue checkmark, as anyone with half a brain was ashamed to be verified knowing they were supporting what the platform was becoming. Elon was convinced that the blue checkmark subscription would turn Twitter into a profitable company. Elon has owned the platform since October 2022 and it is still not profitable. It's userbase has significantly shrank, there have been major advertiser exoduses, and as of last year, over 75% of traffic from the social network was classified as bots.

Who's left?

Mostly Nazis.

That's not just conjecture. A study that was published in February, 2026 clearly shows that spending time on X makes you more right-wing.

Formerly Twitter, but now X.com, because Elon is obsessed with the letter X, has become a right-wing cesspool consisting of white supremacists, Nazis, and crypto grifters. Were those people there in the before-times? Sure, but they are the vast majority now.

One standout feature that Twitter had for the better part of its existence was an algorithm-free feed. You'd see the posts of those you follow in the order that they happened. It was beautiful. Nothing was hidden from you or buried under crap you didn't want.

Now, Elon is the algorithm.

X's (it's so dumb to call it that) algorithm puts emphasis on right-wing propaganda, whether you want it or not. The algorithm also puts weight on things Musk personally tweets and shares (and boy howdy, will we get to that later). Musk claims that he wanted X to be the platform of free speech, but all it's doing is poisoning the brains of those who use it. Musk has made himself the main character on the dying social network, and has turned it into a far-right echo chamber.

Musk Offers to End World Hunger; Doesn't.

In 2021, Elon pledged to provide $6 billion to combat world hunger if the World Food Programme (WFP) could come up with a detailed plan on how the money would solve world hunger. They provided a plan but Elon didn't pull through, claiming that it would only solve immediate famine, and not permanently end world hunger.

Here's the thing; I don't expect Musk to end world hunger. I don't expect any billionaire to significantly solve any problem. They didn't become billionaires because they were decent, generous human beings. Musk's fans will argue that it's not his responsibility, or that he doesn't have to spread his wealth, or some other boot-licking stream-of-consciousness argument about fairness or bootstraps. The point is, Elon could have made an impact, even if it wasn't a permanent one, and still be the richest man on the god damn planet. $6 billion dollars to Elon is the same as forgetting to cancel your Netflix subscription for a few months. This is just another promise Elon has made that was far from what he intended to do.

Why Elon Musk Became the World's Most Dangerous Troll

Let's not define Elon just by the logos in his email signature; in the grand scheme of things, forming companies and brands and mission statements is something so ridiculously brainless that a free ChatGPT account can do it for you. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), Elon is an obsessive poster, and from this we can extrapolate a lot about who the man is.

Before I simply bombard your senses with screenshots of Elon tweets, I want to provide my hypothesis as to where things all went haywire for the world's most divorced billionaire.

Allow me to bury the lede just a little longer, because I don't think this particular moment fundamentally changed Elon; he was clearly a bit of a jackass early on and never really grew out of that. I'd even posit that being a bit of a jackass is something most people can move past. It's not ideal, but jackasses at least balance out the shitty side of the bell curve. You can be a bit of a jackass and still accomplish something worthwhile. Anyway, so Elon was always a jackass, but this one particular event in his life caused Jackass Gollum to take the helm and smother Jackass Smeagol under a pillow.

The Daughter of Elon

Elon Musk has 14 publicly known children with four different women. His first son tragically died at 10 weeks, but through the miracles of in vitro fertilization, Elon had a set of twins and a set of triplets with Justine Wilson.

The oldest two, Vivian and Griffin, are the key to this story, but just because Elon has some ridiculous naming conventions, let's quickly list off the others:

His triplets with Wilson are Kai, Saxon, and Damian.

Musk divorced Wilson after seven years and married and divorced Talulah Riley twice. In 2020, Musk and singer Grimes had their first child together, named X Æ A-12.

Uh huh. X Æ A-12. Fine.

Their next two children would be a girl named Exa Dark Sideræl, and a boy, Techno Mechanicus. Behind Grimes' back, Musk had twins with Neuralink executive Shivon Zilis. Their names were Strider and Azure. Zilis would give Elon another daughter in 2024 named Arcadia, and in 2025, anti-transgender activist and conservative influencer Ashley St. Clair had Elon's 11th (we think?) child, named Romulus. Also Zilis and Elon had a 4th kid sometime in there named Seldon Lycurgus.

The Publicly Known Roster of Elon Spawn

• Nevada
• Vivian
• Griffin
• Kai
• Saxon
• Damian
• X Æ A-12
• Exa Dark Sideræl
• Strider
• Azure
• Techno Mechanicus
• Arcadia
• Seldon Lycurgus
• Romulus

While you can't really judge how someone is going to turn out simply by being born, I have a funny suspicion the next few generations are going to have to deal with a lot of bullshit in the world that can be directly attributed to at least a third of that list. The children of unshackled billionaires tend to spread the poison around in one way or another.

With that out of the way, let's look at Vivian, the oldest known daughter of Musk, and why she's the reason Elon Musk's brain broke and he went full-idiot.

Killed by the Woke Mind Virus

Vivian came out as transgender at the age of 16 (around 2020), and later legally changed her name in 2022 to separate herself from Musk. Since I'm putting in quotes from Vivian's father, Elon, I feel I do need to mention that Musk calls her by the birth name he gave her just for the sake of context. Vivian underwent gender-affirming medical treatments, and Elon was far from supportive:

In interviews and posts by Vivian, Elon wasn't exactly a very present father. She stated "he was there, I want to say, maybe 10% of the time. That's generous. He had half custody, and he fully was not there."

Vivian is on the record stating that her father berated her for being queer as a child, and said he was quick to anger, uncaring, and narcissistic. Elon, on the other hand, said Vivian was "born gay and slightly autistic" because she loved musicals and would use the term "fabulous" at the age of 4.

Nice, dude.

Vivian is not a fan of her biological father, and publicly, Elon has only buckled down harder on his anti-trans rhetoric.

Let's pause for a minute, and forget that Elon is some billionaire celebrity rocket building savant, and look at him as a father. He has, after all, done a LOT of fathering. His first surviving child came out as trans, and he decided to use that opportunity to rub her identity into the dirt while rallying his growing right-wing audience. Thankfully, Vivian seems to be doing just fine on her own, but holy crap Elon, you are truly a deadbeat dad.

I am by no means blaming Vivian for radicalizing her shitty father by coming out, but there is a very distinct change to Elon that triggered in 2020. He went from being a bit of a jackass to being a world-class douchebag.

Elon couldn't handle not having a little army of straight, white, masculine boys. He couldn't handle his eldest child not falling into the template he had in mind for them. Instead of being supportive, open, and brave, he had to punch down and rally his shittiest of fans about it. He's turned his hatred for his daughter into his platform and identity.

Again, forget that it's Elon Musk, celebrity car salesman/entrepreneur/wealthiest human ever to live.

A father has turned his hatred and disgust for his eldest daughter into his whole identity.

If you met a guy like this, you would have absolutely no reason to idolize him - but because it's Elon, somehow he keeps getting a free pass? Nobody should be respecting this clown.

Elon Musk's Battle with the Woke Mind Virus and Other Things That Aren't Real

You can't claim to be the smartest entrepreneur on the planet and also be a dimwitted reply guy for right-wing conspiracy theories. Apparently, having more money than any other living human doesn't bring you happiness either, as Musk is a miserable knob.

As much as I'd love to make this a definitive list of all the times Elon has spread misinformation and hate on X: The Everything App(tm), the man is a chronic poster, and X is insanely glitchy and slow. I scrolled through Elon's tweets for several minutes, while X buffered and jumped around and strobed, only to realize I was still looking at posts from Musk from this week.

Then X crashed my browser.

Three times.

I honestly regret committing to this. I used to love Twitter. Why is this so terrible?

Anyway, back to Elon.

He posts nearly 100 times per day on the platform he bought (is this how he gets his money worth?). I posit the question again - how useful is a CEO that runs half a dozen huge corporations if they have time to be obsessively online?

Also, this kind of pattern can't possibly belong to someone with a healthy brain. Maybe the ketamine helps with that?

Anyway, let's take a look at some of the stuff Elon gets into on his own social media platform that he bought:

Elon the White Supremacist

Over the past 7 months, 6 percent of Elon's tweets (that sounds like a small number but it's over 850 tweets) have been about race. He's had a post about race 166 out of 197 days since October, 2025 to now (mid-April 2026). Half of these posts have used the term "white."

If you have a normal brain, you'll immediately recognize that these tweets are wildly inaccurate and misinformed or misleading right-wing propaganda. Elon is obsessed with white supremacy and has become a platform for it all by himself.

What's White Supremacy? I feel like I shouldn't have to explain this, but I think a lot of people drinking the Elon Flavor Aid are just privileged enough to not have to be aware of the concept.

Elon and other people like Elon believe that being white should hold inherent value and superiority, and that society should provide privileges to white people that other people shouldn't get.

Now, they don't outright say it that way most of the time...

Instead, white supremacists play the victim. White supremacists say "Oh no, they are coming to get us, they want to take our land, our freedoms, our way of life!"

They spread weird theories that people of color are inherently bad, they perpetuate racial stereotypes, and they do so masking it as a survival instinct or a convenience thing. "Oh I tried to buy a dishwasher the other day but the man at the store just couldn't speak English!"

Either way, these people are douchebags.

There is systemic racism in our world, yet Elon, the wealthiest fucktard in the world, feels that he needs to be the victim. A man who has broken rules, stepped on others, and never faces any true consequences feels that he is a minority because his skin is white.

Elon Pretends to Be a Baby?

I dunno, man. How much can a single human being just suck?

It turns out there are a lot of ways.

Elon loves X, we get that. He has secret alternative accounts, as one does I suppose.

In a deposition for a lawsuit, he clarified that he had alternative accounts. As it turns out, one of these accounts is where he roleplays as a toddler and also a pervert.

But that's not what this is about.

No, Elon is a bigger loser than that.

Around 2009 Elon was trying to get into the bay area Babyfur community. I'll explain...

Furries are people who dress up typically as anthropomorphic animals and hang out together. Sometimes it's sexual, sometimes it's not. There are very colorful and varied communities out there of people who enjoy this. Babyfur are, from my understanding, people that dress as baby furries. They are animals with baby personas and often wear diapers. Please note that this is a very simplistic definition for the sake of the reader who would otherwise have no clue, so I apologize if I'm missing anything.

Again, not here to yuck any particular yum here. Life is short, do what makes you happy, don't judge someone if they aren't doing anything to hurt anybody.

Something that's interesting about the furry community is that they had a Nazi problem several years ago and generally rallied together to put a stop to it. There was even a group of furries that leaked early info about Project 2025. Anyway, back to Elon.

Now this is just a rumor, but allegedly the local Babyfur group ended up rejecting Elon for being too cringe and for consistently breaking certain rules regarding diaper usage. I don't have receipts for that, but I'm going to step back and let you decide what could be real here.

That Time That Elon Bought the United States

Dammit, I totally forgot how Elon was once obsessed with the doge meme and got super into the fake currency trend in the early 2020's. Well, that's ancient history, but Doge is also the name of his stupid government organization that he founded when he spent over $290 million to support Donald Trump in 2024.

$290 million dollars isn't a lot of money for someone like Elon. Elon has lost more money than any human ever has on the planet - in 2022, he lost roughly $190 billion alone. $290 million dollars for Elon is like going to the store for groceries and grabbing yourself a new video game and some snacks as a treat.

So when Donald Trump managed to become the first impeached felon to be re-elected as president of the United States of America, Elon was handed a staggering amount of power.

He formed (ugh) DOGE, which is short for Department of Government Efficiency. DOGE and Elon then swept through the federal government and chewed through the wires. The effects of this have resulted in major disruptions to the world, including hundreds of thousands of preventable deaths worldwide. Just the closure of USAID (one of DOGE's biggest initiatives) is expected to result in over 14 million preventable deaths by 2030.

USAID spending roughly cost $105 per U.S. citizen each year as far as taxes go, but the agency employed thousands of staff and literally saved millions of lives each year. As a comparison, the average taxpayer forks over about $4,049 each year for the military.

Elon and new best friend, Donald Trump, rallied that USAID was being ran by leftist extremists and was a burden on the American people.

Elon's own companies like Tesla and SpaceX greatly benefited from the efforts of DOGE, stalling at least 32 investigations into Elon's companies, while giving Elon and his kin access to confidential federal data, nonpublic contract details, and sensitive regulatory actions. In other words, Elon gets to used cheat codes now.

Because of this, DOGE is responsible for lifting Tesla's valuation artificially by $158 billion dollars. Tesla didn't suddenly become a better car manufacturer, or do something incredible that earned them that, Elon just switched the settings to Easy Mode for himself.

His few months working within the government has paid off for Elon. While we can't calculate the long term benefits he'll gain from tilting the system further in his favor, Tesla and SpaceX account for at least $15.4 billion in government contracts,

Elon and the Epstein List

Though Elon has denied it, the billionaire had been in touch with Jeffrey Epstein since at least 2012. In November of that year, Elon asked the owner of pedophile isle when the wildest parties would occur.

Elon has also been photographed with Epstein's associate, Ghislaine Maxwell.

While there isn't any immediately damning evidence of illegal wrongdoing when it comes to the Epstein files, it does seem like the world's richest edgelord did want to get down and party on fuck-the-children island.

Elon Doesn't Deliver on His Promises

There's a website with sources that tracks all of Elon's promises. I'll just list a few of them here.

• Elon said Tesla will never need to raise capital again. It did so at least 14 times since he stated that.
• He claimed that the Model S could be recharged faster than you could fill a gas tank and allow you to charge it for free.
• He claimed he would have a Tesla that can travel 1,000 kilometers by 2017.
• He claimed we'd have autonomous minibuses and self driving cars by 2019.
• He promised solar tile installations back in 2017 that never came to fruition.
• Elon started taking deposits for space tourism around to moon scheduled for 2018.
• Elon claimed he was starting a candy company in 2018.
• Elon said that he would be making recycled dirt bricks from Boring Company tunnels to turn into low cost housing.
• In 2018, Elon promised Tesla employees that there would be no more layoffs. In 2019, 1000 employees were laid off. He also gutted the staff of Twitter when he bought it.
• Elon Musk promised to fix the Flint lead water crisis in 2018, and then didn't.
• He promised that the Tesla Gigafactory would be solar powered by the end of 2019.
• Elon constantly promises various degrees of self-driving cars that simply don't come to fruition or aren't reliable.
• In 2019 he said the new Tesla Roadster will use rockets that allow it to fly.
• He promised a Mars colony that sounds like the plot of Red Faction by 2028.
• He told customers that Tesla cars are boats.
• Elon said he would take carbon out of the air and use it for rocket fuel (something a few other startups are doing).
• Elon offered a horse to a flight attendant in exchange for sexual services and then announced he would build a litigation department at Tesla for the purpose of suing people who accuse him of creepy sex stuff.
• Elon claimed Twitter would exceed a billion monthly users by 2023 or 2024.

The Impact of Elon Musk

Elon isn't an inventor or an engineer. He's not a developer, a creator, or a visionary. Most of his loftiest dreams are taken out of science fiction or theory, and all of his work has simply been to serve himself.

Tesla could produce a nice car, but it's marred by top-level decisions to cut costs while providing an accursed platform as opposed to a good product.

Elon's next big promise are Grok-powered robots that will allegedly do your chores for you, and investors are tripping over themselves hoping this is true, but ultimately the cost will be far too high. Anything Tesla equipment does for you will benefit Tesla, by design, not the consumer.

No, instead Elon has given right-wing fascists a platform, shared hate and misinformation, and took over the federal government like a comic super villain to gut USAID, steal data, and give his companies an edge over others.

Elon isn't a genius, he's not infallible, and he's certainly not a good source of truth; he's wealthy. Part of that stems from coming from wealth, but most of it is from just being in the right place at the right time.

The only real contribution Elon has made to the world is showing us that money truly cannot buy happiness. He owns roughly one percent of the world's money, but he's clearly a miserable person.

I think that's where I'm going to end this essay. I didn't even mention the two Nazi salutes he gave during Donald Trump's second inauguration, or how he keeps trying to crush Wikipedia, or how his version of Wikipedia is right-wing revisionist history, or how Grok continues to produce AI-generated child porn. I didn't mention the massive Twitter layoffs and all the insane stories that came out of Musk's awkward takeover of the social platform.

Elon is a goddamn menace, and shouldn't have the power he has. He's not a smart man, and he's not a good man. He should be an idol to nobody, and yet here we are.